Ahhh summer. Lazing around, trying to look pretty in the
heat ... waiting for the summer romance, realizing that unless some wagon train
got stuck in a time warp in the mountains, just broke free, and are heading to
the prairies, that there is not a chance in hell of any new blood showing
up. Looking at the available farm
boys . . . begging to be allowed to go
and visit some distant relative that lives anywhere NOT on the prairies.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Ahhh Summer.
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Sunday, May 24, 2015
A Whiter Shade of Pale
Love white.
I think I started my
love affair when people started telling me all the rules concerning it.
You can't wear white
past Labour Day.
Never wear white to
a wedding unless you are the bride.
Don't wear white to
a funeral.
For God's sake
change her into play clothes before she ruins her Sunday dress.
You have to wear a
slip or something under white, what would happen if it got wet?
Don't wear white if
you are trying to look slimmer.
I like things other
people pick on. The heart wants what the
heart wants.
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Saturday, May 23, 2015
4 Eyes, Bug Eyes.
I had to get glasses
when I was in school. I am not sure why.
I have a
theory. I think my grandparents wanted
to make me look more intelligent than I really was. People tend to overlook insanity when they
think it is a by-product of intelligence.
They also frequently sent me to school with boxes of candy to
share. I think they hoped that I might
be able to buy some friends. Pfft
forget that ... I ate all the candy myself.
OK I did share them with a boy named Leonard ... only because Leonard showed me this really cool hide out in an old garage down the road from my school and we would go there and hang out and arrange all the old files and tools that were left in there. Look, don't judge me for my childhood. It was the most fun ever and yes I am a bit OCD, why do you ask? When you share that kind of bond with someone, you share your candy.
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Thursday, May 21, 2015
Locked Out of Life
What was the big
deal about staying in a hotel when you went into the city and partied all
night. Anyone make it back to the actual
room they rented? Anyone?
Anyone make it to
any room in that hotel??
I didn't think so.
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Monday, May 18, 2015
It Really Is A Miracle I Am Here to Tell The Tale.
10 speed bikes were
a big deal for us. Prior to that we had
bikes like the old 50's and 60's movies.
That is because we grew up in the 50's and 60's.
I never wanted a
girls bike ... those were for girls.
I knew how to lift
my leg over a bar. I had skills.
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Sunday, May 17, 2015
Sunrise. Sunset. Help Me Make It Through The Night.
I got talked into
having this older couple sing at our wedding.
They were significant to my husband.
They were going to
sing "Sunrise, Sunset" From Fiddler on the Roof.
The wedding went
fine, apart from the flower girl who was doing a mean interpretation of the
future in which a half naked woman wearing cones on her breasts and her
underpants over her other clothes would prance around a stage in front of
millions, "Vogue-ing." When I
whispered to her during the ceremony, asking what she was doing, she informed
me she was "being a tree."
Her mother told her she need to stand tall and straight and quiet like a
tree. Being a creative child she was
channeling a tree except one in a violent windstorm with a fierce strobe light back lighting everything.
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Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Soul Music.
In one of the older
churches there was this really cool old pump organ that you played by moving
your feet in a pedalling motion using your feet. We snuck in every chance we got and fought
over who got to play it. We became
experts at speed playing because we have about 9.5 seconds before an adult
would appear and bellow "WHAT DO
YOU KIDS THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
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Monday, May 11, 2015
If The Suitcase Fits.
My brother and I had
a bet about whether or not a person could fit in a suitcase. I told him there was absolutely no way.
I called him a
liar. I told his friends and we all
laughed at him.
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Friday, May 8, 2015
Solitary Confinement.
The light burned out
in my closet while my hubby was away and
for two weeks I kept walking into the closet and flipping the switch and
experiencing disappointment over and over again.
I didn't plan on
being insane.
It just sort of
crept up on me.
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Thursday, May 7, 2015
The Horned Beast.
There was a lady who
went to our church who had a kind of horn thing growing out of her head. I can't be sure because we were not supposed
to stare at her.
You don't stare at
people because it is rude. In church you
don't stare because it is rude and unkind and Jesus would never stare. We were supposed to always ask ourselves, "What
would Jesus do?" Of course he
wouldn't stare. He designed her AND he
can see everything. He knew darn well
what she looked like.
I had no clue
because every time my eyeballs even looked like they were thinking of scanning
anywhere near her direction, I was smacked on the back of the head. I am lucky I even have any eyeballs left.
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Sunday, May 3, 2015
The Big Announcement.
Overdressing is an
art.
I had an aunt who
pronounced it so. She was big on both
announcements and pronouncements. I
liked to call her "Megaphone Mouth," but only in my head when I was
heavily tin-foiled and no-one else could hear.
She announced when she was going to die.
She spent her life like that so starting the afterlife with one big
announcement made perfect sense. She
announced what she was doing, what everyone else was supposed to be doing and
what was going to happen to those who were not doing what they were supposed to
be doing.
I suppose some
people imagined she had some kind of second sight but I caught on early. She would announce that the ladies sewing
circle should be using the crystal punch bowl for the Evening in Paris Dinner
as it was much more tasteful and elegant than the silver one Mrs. Eden
suggested. They would have a vote and
she would smile through clenched false teeth and thin lipsticked lips that
somehow she managed to bend into a semi smile despite the taut well trained
muscles that held that part of her face in a permanent scowl, that, "yes, of course the majority vote
has to be considered and silver it was."
But then she would sigh and say she wished the horrible pit in her
stomach would go but it wouldn't. She
had a feeling, a really bad feeling ....
Then her one hand would fly to her forehead, the back of the thin gloved
claw pressed against a temple and she would say, "I don't know why God
burdens me with knowing these things, but he just does."
All the other
women would pretend not to hear her for
a couple of reasons. First they would be
busy getting the silver punch bowl down
and shining it up while whispering about ways they might be able to get rid of
my aunt, and secondly because they were really stupid.
The evening would
come, the silver punch bowl filled with punch, people drank it, and people
died. Well they wish they had died. The hospital had to annex a circus tent from
a traveling show to accommodate all the
people for a few days.
And my aunt smiled a
genuine smile - requiring even more muscle control, and accepted offerings from
people who assured her they never doubted her for a second.
That was when I
learned that anyone could be a psychic or God's messenger if they were prepared
to sacrifice others to further their own cause.
Oh ... and had a 1-800 number of course.
So once she
announced she was going to die ... and after the cheering and celebration
quieted down ...she arrived at her bed, every night, dressed to the nines, full
make-up, hair coiffed. Her hubby was
not allowed to touch her or move in the bed in case he "mussed" her
up. She was going to be meeting St.
Peter, and later God, and she intended on making a good first impression.
She was really good
at explaining to us that being well dressed was your ticket to the best table
in life. Of course she insisted
everyone would want the table with all the other well dressed people. She was ALWAYS seated at the best table.
I spent a good
portion of my childhood trying to figure out why anyone would want to sit for
the whole of eternity at a whole table
full of shallow minded loons like my aunt.
SKIN: 7DS Temperance Skin Fair Special
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Friday, May 1, 2015
Another Gore-y Inconvenient Truth.
In Canada we like to
disguise our poverty.
Take pop, for
instance.
We drink a lot of
it. And then we throw away the cans and
bottles. But we give money back for the
bottles when people hand them in. Hey don't
judge us, we get bored and we have to make games with what we can.
People used to throw
bottles and cans out the windows of
their speeding cars along the highways.
They weren't even trying to hit anything, not a gopher to help the
farmers, not a buffalo to have food for the winter, and not even a fence post
to prove their skill. They often even
missed the ditch. And the ditches there
are very big. It could have been a great
game but we made up for it with the whole Pick-Up-Bottles game that followed.
People would come
along and collect the bottles out of the ditch. The government allowed that because they are
very smart and compassionate. First of
all the ditches needed to be cleaned and politicians are way too busy building
new, more durable, fences to sit on.
Second of all it costs way more money to
pay people to pick up the garbage, sooo ... you let the poor people do
it and give them a few pennies for each bottle.
Then when people drive along, especially the tourists, instead of going, "oh look, how sad,
there is a poor person having to pick bottles out of the ditches in order to
have money, what kind of country is this," people say, "oh wow,
those/us Canadians we are so swell and 'green conscientious' they/we are out
there picking up garbage, even before the rest of the world is screaming green
and before Al Gore was out of diapers."
Ok I confess some
people said, "Al who?"
No-one had their
dinner ruined by seeing messy ditches or poor people. The government was sensitive to the fact so
many of us Canadians already had tough things to deal with at dinner time ...
Like the cost of garbage bags for them to scrape their left over food
into. Especially on holidays. People had problems scraping enough food to
feed half their neighbourhood for 8 weeks into the garbage after Thanksgiving,
because everyone said, "better save room for the dessert buffet and not
eat anymore of the main meal." How
could you ask them to lift their heads from their dessert buffet to reflect on
the sight on poor people bottle picking out of their ditches???
Rich people could
feel really swell that they threw their bottles and cans out of the windows
because it meant they cared about the poor people out there and were doing
their bit. They felt really swell-er if
they drank lots of pop, and some did, they were that committed.
Not to mention the
great feeling when your car is not messy because you have empty bottles in
it. I hate that annoying clinking sound
when they roll around on the floor and bump into each other when you are
driving.
But then it all
changed and suddenly there were too many poor people and not enough bottles to
go around and there were fights in the ditches in Canada. It was no longer safe to hang out in roadside
ditches because gangs of homeless people banned together and staked their
territory, to try and control the recycle trade.
And then there were
even more poor people and we were not throwing our bottles out of the windows
of our car anymore. We were keeping
them, and putting them in a big box when we got home, that we kept locked safe
in the garage and filled with all out bottles and cans and took back ourselves
when they got full and kept the money so we could buy more pop.
And all kinds of
charities, sent out cute kids to beg us for our pop bottles so they could feed
the poor who were too weak from hunger to go to the ditches anymore and needed
someone else to try and help them. We all
lied and said we didn't have any bottles to give to the cute little kids and
then made sure our own kids buried our bottles in the back yard in the middle
of the night when no-one could see so that they were safe until we could take
them into the bottle depot. And we wore
disguises when we went to the bottle depots and we trained ourselves not to
scream and dance with excitement when we got anything over $15.00 back.
And then the
unthinkable happened ... people stopped drinking so much pop.
And then they
stopped driving so much.
Then some of them
did not even have cars and those that did were probably living in them.
And now they are all
sitting around a candle, trying to keep warm in the middle of summer because Al
Gore screwed up the whole season thing and nice weather with his Global warming
movie and they are hungry and THEY HAVE NO POP!
And now the Canadians are mad at the Americans because they birthed Al
Gore and then let him out of the country to damage everyone's weather.
But we have nice
clean ditches and the air is much better without so many cars.
And some really
awesome fences got built for the politicians who got really rich as they sat.
And I think this may
be a conspiracy theory and I am sorry if I scared the heck out of you but
someone has to talk about pop because we were all supposed to be singing, the
whole world .. that is what they promised .. and now this ....
Someone should
probably star the heck out of this article and make sure David Icke sees it.
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