Friday, August 31, 2012

How The Prairies Almost Were Bedazzled by The Sparkle Cult.

bgb2

When I was growing up (got to love that line. I can picture all my fans getting their blankies out of their desk drawers at work, their milk and cookies and heading over to one computer for story time with Blissy) a lady moved into the area who was from Europe and was considered very Upper Crust.

Before you go getting excited let me explain that upper crust on the prairies could mean simply she had running water back home in the old Budapestarama zone. She had an accent and she wore lots of sparkles. Frankly I think she was probably from Saskatchewan and was just channeling Green Acres', Eva Gabor.

Anyways, everyone was "dahling" (you should have someone in the office hike their nose up in the air, and stand on their chair, pointing their finger down at the rest of you while barely looking down her nose (don't pick someone with a huge nose)- oh and hand them something sparkly. They HAVE to sparkle. YES a fizzy drink will do in a pinch.)

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Well all the ladies were intimidated and all the men were enthralled. (have the men stand up and imitate road kill deers - you know - the ones caught in the headlights right before the suburban plowed through them. Suddenly the women's church group were looking into buying bulk sequins and even the Hutterites bought sparkle paint sets, threw away the velvet picture and painted pics of litte farm animals on their kerchiefs. Everyone was going to the holy church of sparkleville held by Tereza Sharpman wherever she did decide to sparkle herself.

She was perfect. The mosquito's did not bite her, the flies kept their distance, it never rained on her, she could cry without running her make-up and she never got nosebleeds no matter how high she hoisted her own pitard. Everyone wanted to be her. Everyone wanted to sparkle.

The cows had sparkles in their teeth from eating the grass after she walked by.

Finally I could stand it no longer and after the opening hymn in church one day, I stood up on a pew and pulled out a saucepan and a wooden spoon and banged it loudly screaming "ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS." You are not sparkle sheep. Sparkle is a cheap way of blinding people with your outward beauty to the inward ugliness. Tereza Sharpman is no better and no less than any of you. She is just a woman. Please do not be fooled, take off your sparkles and just please be yourself. Look, underneath all that diversion she is just like all of you!!!" And I yanked at her dress which ripped off her .... and there she sat ... in her sparkle barbie underwear .... sparkling ....

I was wrong.

She did not have sturdy underwear like the rest of us.

Tereza moved away. I was blamed. The sparkles eventually wore off and everyone was back to drab denim and flannel. Sometimes I would see some of the women looking at the photographs of them in their sparkle aprons, dabbing at their eyes. They were really hooked. I could not explain to them that not everyone can carry off sparkles and that if you are going to wear them, you should at least shave - if not your armpits then the hairs on your chin would be a start.

bgb1

I think if I had waited until I was maybe 5 to make that speech, they might have been more willing to listen to me. I saved the day but I know that my hometown will propably never appreciate it.

I am just a lonely girl wandering through life, waiting for a parade to thank me.


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Thursday, August 30, 2012

In The Moonlight.

GITH 812ca

I was out staring at the moon the other night.... no biggy ... just out standing in my yard in my yellow cow onesy jammies staring.

GITH 812da

Then I heard this "Pssst Blissy .... what the HELL are you doing out there?"

And I was like ... "Who wants to know?"

And I heard, "Who else would even try to talk to you standing outside dressed like that? It's me, your husband, could you PLEASE come inside and stop doing that?"

"I didn't recognize your whisper voice. We clearly should whisper to each other more. I mean what if we were trying to escape Zombies in a dark tunnel and I heard someone whisper "I'm over here." and then someone else whispered "NO, it's a trick, that's the Zombie, I am over here." I wouldn't know which was which and I might think the Zombie was you.

"Ok, ya I will whisper more, but could you please come inside and stop doing that out there?"

"I am just staring at the moon, it improves the eyesight."

"I will buy you new glasses ... PULLLEASE. The neighbours already think you are weirder than weird and your trap door is open in your jammies and frankly, cute ass, but do we have to share with the whole neighbourhood?"

Then suddenly I thought to myself what if the Zombies had already broken into the house and that situation I just described was happening now?  Could I have foreshadowed my own impending doom?  I have had my writing compared to Shakespeare I don't know how many times.  I had to be cautios.  "How can I be sure that you are my husband? I am just taking your word for it."

"Would anyone else say you have a cute ass?"

GITH 812ba

Sometimes the price of being right or proving your point is way more than it is worth .... and men should learn that. My husband will be doing public service announcements to that effect coming soon to a YouTube near you.

Sometimes the smartest thing after you have inserted your foot into your mouth is just to go throw yourself on the mercy of the zombies.

SKIN:  :Curio: Sundust-Sunny (NLA)
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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Serengeti on the Prairies

BB 812a

My brother got a new paint set one year. He was quite the artist. Seriously. While I was drawing animals - that all basically looked the same - relying on my colouring and the fact I could print "cat" and "puppy" underneath them to direct people to understand my interpretations ... he was actually drawing realistic looking giraffes and moose.

BB 812b

We also got "Wild Kingdom" on our 2 television channels so we were living large. So my brother decided we should spice up the farm and add some wild animals that people would be willing to pay to see.

It was kind of like my idea to put water in the cream soda bottles and sell them to first time, slightly stupid, customers. We did manage to outrun most of them and keep our money but we eventually had to be taken into the witness protection programme. I just wish our parents might have been willing to come with us and not been so eager to hand us over. High fiving should never be done in the presence of a child being driven off in the back of a police car.

Anyway his idea was similar to mine except it involved large animals and paint and the greatest secrecy ... you know what ... it was nothing like the whole cream soda incident ... forget I said that.

We gathered up the cows (hey an artist works with the material he is given)and I held them while he painted one all black and then added stripes. Another he wrapped a fluffy rug around its neck and painted it brown. Another he tried to get to swim underneath the water in the watering trough but I think the udders are like a flotation device and it kept bobbing to the surface. We tried to get them to feel the parts they were assigned. Cow coaching is difficult - they like to improvise and do not follow instructions well.   I even hung signs on them "hippo," "lion," "zebra..." but when we tried to get the cars to stop and come on in we did not have much luck. The Hutterites were on their way to a sale at the Polka Dot/Plaid Sewing Emporium and the combine had an appointment with a field of wheat.

Then we went a week with no other traffic. So we had to give the cows back.

BB 812c


Even back then they were blaming television for giving us strange ideas. We needed to watch more wholesome shows like where the husband and wife slept in separate beds and the wife was always cheery and had supper on the table as she waited on her husband looking like a movie star.

And they wonder where the feminist movement came from and why our generation was so zoned out on drugs ....

Free your mind ... paint a cow.


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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Pathetic, I Guess.

fob3ab

I love flowers. Even as a kid I used to pick them every chance I got.

  fob2ab

It made me mad that my grandmother told me not to pick the wild flowers because they would not last if I did ... and she was right. She told me flowers should be enjoyed on the plant because they last longer. I tried stealing them from our garden and other peoples but hiding a bouquet of flowers under your bed or in your closet kind of defeats the purpose.

No-one gives a 5 year old flowers.

You have to get your flower fix by living vicariously through others. It seems a shame you have to have kids to get flowers ...think about that for awhile ... moms get more flowers. It is a conspiracy.

fob4ab

I think that is why I started stealing plastic flowers. They can even survive the heat and the smell of an armpit in a pinch ... and I have been in a few. I know they are not the same as real flowers but there are a lot of things in life where you don't get the real thing ... you just have to go with a reasonable cheap facsimile.

I know, it is kind of pathetic.


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Monday, August 27, 2012

People In Crisis and My Fount of Help.

PM 812a

There were two neighbours out shouting at one another on the road today, so being a good neighbour ... I did the right thing.

PM 812b



I immediately ran out to mediate. I took my portable desk and some lawn chairs and insisted we all sit down and discuss the issues.

I hugged them both first ... because hugging is therapy and everyone needs to know they are loved. I actually think the world would be a much better place if we hugged first and then went about our business. Like instead of telling you to get out of the car and holding a gun on you, it would be nice if policemen got you out of the car and hugged you BEFORE they pulled their guns. I know it would make me feel a whole lot better about being tazed.

Then we sat down and I showed them my power point presentation with all those Pinterest slides that say nice things about loving one another and being kind. I also showed them a couple of recipes too because you tell me when chocolate is wrong ... and it goes without saying I threw in a couple of fluffy kitties being adorable. Then I sang Kum Ba Ya for them and I chanted and burned incense.


PM 812d

I was just going to ask them what the problem was when the one got up and told me to "F**k off" and got his Bible and his pictures of Jesus and got in the car and drove away.

The other one ran after the car screaming for her dad to wait for her ...

Turns out they weren't neighbours at all.

If I had known they were just a family in crisis I would have shown them some reruns of "7th Heaven."


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What The Girl At The Next Farm Taught Me.

ATC3a

We were kind of left to our own devices when we were growing up. I think the plan was have a bunch of kids, make them work the fields and tend the cattle, send them to school, teach them to curl, and every once in awhile throw a barn dance and let them "do si do" each other and "it will all come out right."

ATC7a


So when the wiser and older girl at the next farm asked us what we knew about kissing and sex, we were all ears. Anything was better than more talk about the wheat. She told us a long story about what she had heard which basically ended with "you will get pregnant and die if you have sex."

We were so confused about what "sex" was and what it "wasn't" after she was done that neither one of us saw it in our future and we agreed to never talk about it again. We also agreed that the wiser and older girl at the next farm was weird ...

... and probably too old for us to hang out with.

We were scared stupid. Neither one of us wanted to die, although I suspect we both harboured secret wishes regarding each other ... at least I know I did about my brother.

We never saw that older and wiser girl at the next farm again. My grandfather said she mysteriously died after the barn dance that summer.

ATC2a


The more I think about it ... I think that older and wiser girl at the next farm looked an awful lot like my grandfather in a dress and a wig.

 
SKIN:   [:ME:] Rachel Tan Skintone (SYSP August)
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Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Weekend Play.

rbr2

You all know the Weekend Play -the names and the costumes might change - but the plot is the same.

rbr3

Our play started with me hearing some noise outside and I looked to see hubby putting the ladder up, half on the grass, half in the flower bed as he grabbed his tools and climbed the ladder. He was finally going to trim the row of trees outside my office window. I watched as he got up the ladder and sort of laid the "saw thingy" in the trees and grabbed some branches and began to snip them off. They fell on him and over him as he leaned ever further to grab some more branches.

I watched as the ladder began to wobble.

I opened the window and asked if he wanted me to come out and help him at all.

"what would you do to help?"

"Oh ... I don't know ... hold the ladder for you or something?"

"Naaa ... I'm fine and if I fall anyways ... it's not that far to the ground."

Yes we all know the ending ... he fell ... amongst the branches and the angry bees and the little birds confused to have their flowers all cut off their beloved trees.

rbr1

And the thing is when they come in and are standing there next to you ... scrapped and bleeding, bee stung, bird pecked, dirty, torn shorts ... and they look out and ask you what you think of the job they did ... who has the heart to say anything but, "It looks awesome!!"

The end.


SKIN:  [:ME:] Rachel Tan Skintone (SYSP August)
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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Let Me Read Your Fortune.

bbg2

I told my brother I could read people's fortune and basically controlled his life with a deck of cards for years.

  bbg1

It made playing "fish" and "old maid" a whole lot more fun when there was life and death and love and success on the line.

bbg3a

It took him nearly 33 years to figure out that when he did what I wanted him to, his fortune was not too bad and when I was mad at him .... it sucked.

I think my grandma told him.

She always loved him best.

SKIN:  .::WoW Skins::. Anais Tan 01
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LASHES:  [the Obscene] Lashes
JEWELLERY:  [alaMood] Soho Jade
NAILS:  MoonDance Square Short Kitty Classic French
SHIRT:  (Kunglers) Amelia blouse - sash
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LEGGINGS: [:ME:] Kayla's Stockings (Black)
SHOES:  *[PP]- Vintage Swirls Pumps
POSES:  LA
 
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Friday, August 24, 2012

A Fine Line.

ww5

When my great great (blah blah blah) great aunt was finally ready to move into a more manageable seniors suite - they turned her house into a museum.

  ww1

I was just grateful they did not insist that she stay as one of the exhibits.

Before that happened she had a big family reunion at her farm. A family reunion at the farm means a bunch of people pull up in their vehicles in the middle of a field, you open your doors, everyone spills out, roasts weiners, eats potato salad and drinks koolaid and waits for more than 3 of the kids to get sick so everyone can go home.

OH ... and there are always pictures.

I mean once the kids cheeks are pinched and the black sheep shunned and the weather sorted out ... what else do families talk about anyway?

But this time she decided it was time to let us all up into the attic and that we should all carry away bits and pieces of our heritage with us. There were ceremonial cloggers dancing and a guy playing a fiddle as the door to the attic swung open and we were invited up.  I have some kind of brown leathery stuff that says "Great Aunt Maude" on it. I left it in the envelope because I really do not know whether it is a piece of a dress she once had, a cow she once milked, or a piece of herself. I don't wanna know.

Some relatives, and their crafts ... should just stay in the closet. I mean what am I supposed to do with it now? Why should I be burdened with it?

My Aunt showed us the pictures that had been embroidered using people's hair. You know we "tsk tsk" about the Native Indians scalping the white man but really ... just because we arranged our stolen hair into pretty little flowers and words that rhyme .... does it make it any nicer?

ww2

You know it is a really fine line between a hobby and insanity ....

Just saying ....


SKIN: **SHINE** Rose Sensual
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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Our Greatest Fear.

oth2a

Ok I admit I have always been a kind of free spirit, bucking the system, doing my own thing, bucking the system ... bucking bucking and more bucking ... but let's put that in perspective shall we? (You should nod here ... it makes me feel like you care what I am typing) On the farm that could be as simple as choosing NOT to wear plaid and knit moose sweaters. It could mean that you say "no" to curling or that you don't care for milk. I mean those things could seem crazy and out of control to a grandparent and their croonies on the farm but let's be real ... those things are hardley ever never the substance of websites like "girls gone wild."

oth1a

So when I grew up (I actually did at one point) it cames as some surprise to me that my grandmother confessed that their greatest fear for me was that I was going to end up in some hippie commune or singing with my guitar on the street.

Their greatest fear.

Umm ... technically isn't a hippie commune basically a "farm?" And re: the "on the streets playing guitar comment ..." when you decided to turn down the recording contract offered to me ... I guess staying at a hotel and singing in an auditorium or being able to afford my own house was an even scarier proposition right?

Are guitars evil? Cause you bought me my guitar ... Isn't that kinda like being against grafitti and worrying your kid is going to get arrested for it and then buying them their own set of spray paint?

  oth3a

Ok so the truth is out ... in my youth ... I experimented with guitars .... I am sooo ashamed ....


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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

One Piece Pant Suits Should Come With A Warning.

cia2

When I got my first one piece pant suit I laid awake all night before the big date.

cia1

I tossed and turned and turned and tossed and then I got up to pee and thought about throwing up.

All I could think of was that in order to go to the bathroom on my date I would have to get practically undressed and what if I couldn't get my pantsuit off in time and I peed myself?

OR what if my heel caught in the pantsuit and I fell over into the toilet and they had to call the firemen to rescue me????

What if there was a fire alarm and I had to run out with my pantsuit around my ankles? What if someone broke into the bathroom and kicked open my stall and there I was ... naked as a jay bird?

Naked is sexy when you have time to pose and have a wind machine but I was pretty sure that my reactive model senses would not kick in that quick and instead of being scintillating the whole thing would just be fodder for the snicker gang around the coffee pot the next morning? I have been fodder so many times that the rumour mills have approached me to be their spokesvictim.

In the end I decided to forego the pantsuit and have been terrified of them ever since.

cia3

Some people say my fears are unrealistic but fodder is not usually admitted into MENSA for a reason.

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Monday, August 20, 2012

There's A Drag Queen Barbie!!!

pamp1


I am so excited. My Christmas Shopping is DONE DA DONE DONE!!

pamp2

For my brother at least. I cannot tell you how often I wept for my poor big brother as we were children ... he is like part of me, he is like a gall stone or a pimple or something. There I was with Barbie and all the cool clothes and there he was with GIJoe and ... nothing.

I mean I shared my barbie clothes but Joe just couldn't do the evening gowns justice ... I even tried to stuff the dress but even that did not help. When we would go to the Barbie dance, none of the other dolls would ask Joe to dance - not even Teddy and he would dance with anyone. (well clearly not everyone-anyone)

Midge and Skipper bullied Joe all the time and Chatty Cathy was a complete bitch.

pamp3

So now ... he can have his own doll and all my old barbie clothes!! Christmas is going to be soooo sweet.   All I can say is that it is a darn good thing my grand father is not around or he would so be hogging all the Barbie time and no way I could afford two of them...

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JUMPSUIT:  ~*INDIE ROSE*~ Silk Pantsuit {Pink}

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Drummers for Sale.

mwb1

Throughout life some people have suggested we should march to beat of our own drummer. That confused me a lot.

mwb2



I didn't have a drummer. All the good ones were taken. I didn't even particularly like the drums and the dudes who play the drums in the marching bands tend to be the ones who look most like drums themselves. Of course that was before the Movie of the Week Genre made being in a marching band, a glee club, or a clogging group, look cool. Frankly I think you could use that example as the most conclusive evidence that movies are not real and that it could be detrimental to your health for kids to actually emulate those examples.

And I would like to point out that when you march around in life people tend to think you are some kind of freak. Cool does not lift knees. Probably because cool's pants are hanging around its knees and you would end up on your ass if you tried to lift a knee.

mwb3

And finally ... some marching bands have bagpipes. What the hell do you do with extra bagpipes in your life?

SKIN:  **SHINE** Ivanna skin Pinkglitter Pale
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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Perfect Sunday.

GBW1

There are things that make us feel like beautiful ladies that have nothing to do with fashion.

GBW2

It's easy to feel beautiful in a gown with our hair all done up and the perfect jewels ... it is another thing when we just throw something on, are without makeup, hair in a quick ponytail, and we sit down to a breakfast made for us by our hubby and he looks at you and smiles and reminds you that he loves you.

He does so much for me all the time which felt so foreign after years of cooking and cleaning but when I asked him about it once and told him I felt weird not doing the cooking and cleaning .... he told me the most romantic thing a man has ever said to me. He said "I don't need you to cook for me or to wash my dishes, or do my laundry. I need you by my side to share my life."

GBW3


It's not just a perfect Sunday... it is a perfect every day. I am such a lucky woman.

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Lingering Questions.

1a

You might have noticed that on all those shows about the pioneers the women are covered from head to toe. Showing an ankle, or too much arm was guaranteed to start a stampede .... and not of the cattle kind.

2a

I spent years trying to figure out what was so gosh darn sexy about shoulders or ankles and failed miserably at coming to any real conclusion. Even the foot fetish people seem to go for the toes more than anything else - or the shoes on the foot.

Never heard of a shoulder fetish ...

I can't tell you how disappointing it was for me as a new wife to show my shoulders and have my husband yawn and turn the channel to another football game. So it leads me with only one conclusion in the fear of the whole 'shoulder/ankle showing, going to hell' scenerio.

3a

Those darn men are beyond comprehension.

SKIN:  .::WoW Skins::. Anais
HAIR:  MISS C. / JO
EYES:  Agnes_Beaute_Eyes_Dearest Mine
LASHES:  [the Obscene] Lashes
DRESS AND EARRINGS:  M&M INGRID MESH
SHOES:  *Girls Section* Flip Flop Rose (NLA)
PURSE:    Agnes_Basket Bag 1
POSES:  Apple Spice
LOCATION:  Crossing Currents

Ever wonder how my mind works that I come up with all this stuff?? Well ... I have no idea BUT if you enjoy this Blog you might be interested in Bliss/Aria's other blogs - find out more at Intertwingled. Join us on Facebook!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Water Cress, Lettuce and Cannibalism.

ATAO1

There was a substitute teacher who rode the bus with us kids sometimes, who ate water cress sandwiches. I seriously thought there was something wrong with her because why would anyone basically eat grass between bread and butter?

ATAO2



I felt the same about lettuce. Mainly because the grandparental units basically cut big wedges of it, stuck it in a bowl and we were supposed to eat it like that ... think watermelon wedges, but all rind.

I tried to argue that it was just wrong and could someone please pass the candy jar. Obviously I was very intuitive and although it would be years before we discovered that we share 1/3 of our human DNA with lettuce my gag reflex to eating the stuff was born out of my inate aversion to cannibalism.

You ask anyone who really knows me to describe me in two words and they would say "that Bliss is an inate avert."

  ATAO3

You have no idea the trauma I have gone through trying to deal with the fact my grandparents were cannibals that tried to force their ways on me ... an innocent child.

Of course once they invented salad dressing .... I was all over the salad bar and my sympathy for the lettuce sort of lost itself amongst the snow peas and the sprouts.

I have clearly been desensitized to the plight of the vegetable. I blame television, Kraft, Scientology, Jenny Craig, and my grandparents ....

It's my life ... I get to blame whoever I want ... as long as it is not me.
SKIN:  Akeruka Meg V2 Light Mk8
HAIR:  =DeLa*= Mesh Hair "Amanda" Red 1
EYES:  Agnes_Beaute_Eyes_Dearest Mine
LASHES:  [the Obscene] Lashes
BRACELET:   alaMood  Hammered Gold Cuff
TOP:  [Amarelo Manga] - Sabrina Blouse
SKIRT:  .::PiCHi::. Studded Mini Skirt
SHOES:   Ear Candy ~ 70's Orange & Pink  Platform Heels

Ever wonder how my mind works that I come up with all this stuff?? Well ... I have no idea BUT if you enjoy this Blog you might be interested in Bliss/Aria's other blogs - find out more at Intertwingled. Join us on Facebook!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Wet Moccasins.

BBF1ab

Life is divided into two types of people when you think about it. Actually it is divided into two groups whether you think about it or not. It is just if you don't think about it you may be a lot happier and get to sleep earlier. If you are not thinking right at this moment, perhaps you should just go do something else and not read on.   I think the Zombies are having a convention somewhere and you should be with your people.

BBF2ab

There are basically those types of people who see the movie Psycho and who just continue to shower willy nilly and then there are those people who either stop showering completely or at the very least always check behind the shower curtain first.

Those people are insane of course.

Seriously, so you check and find the guy with the knife ... what's the game plan? Now you know you are an idiot for showering and that you are also dead cause he knows that you know that he is there. At least if you shower and you don't know he is in the shower with you he might think, "wow, this person is incredibly cool in the face of great danger, I admire that, and seeing as she has not even seen me, I am going to go and climb in someone else's shower and murder them."

I am one of those people. (not the one climbing in other people's shower, the one who is being admired.)

BBF3ab

I like to ignore all the people who end up in the shower with me because you never really know why they do the things they do and if you did you would probably be wearing their wet moccasins or something.

SKIN:  ::DS:: Sumrah.Amaretto.Angelic
HAIR:  Vanity Hair:Cohimbra HP-Cerise
EYES:  Agnes_Beaute_Eyes_Dearest Mine
LASHES:  [the Obscene] Lashes
GOWN:  :: PM :: Jules Gown in Orange
JEWELLERY:  Gems & Kisses - New Life - Gold

Ever wonder how my mind works that I come up with all this stuff?? Well ... I have no idea BUT if you enjoy this Blog you might be interested in Bliss/Aria's other blogs - find out more at Intertwingled. Join us on Facebook!