Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Life's Lessons


I tried to help keep my grandparent's illusions alive.  I think it is really cruel the way some kids just blurt out that most of the stuff parents teach you is crap.  We have some responsibility to be kind to our parents ... or at least to not do them any harm.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

I Am Not Dead Yet, But It Could Happen At Any Moment.


I think I ate a bug  . . and I might die.

I was home alone, calmly eating an apple.  I am allowed to do things like that alone ... at home .. . unattended .... on my own.   And I bit into the apple and took a big bite.  Then I chewed and chewed and swallowed and then the phone rang or something - I can't remember all the exact details because I am suffering with PTSD from the whole thing and my therapist said that I have probably blocked some of it to prevent myself from being triggered and losing it all over innocent people's heads.  

When I got back to my work and the half eaten apple lying on the desk, I almost died.  I had bitten through to the core and what was clearly a grotesque, rotten, slimy mess, black and orange and grossly grotesque, that had been created by some kind of bug/worm ... thing.  (I had to type and retype "thing" 473 times just now because my hands are shaking so bad from the memory)

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Look Up!


I don't think anyone has ever looked up at the clouds in the sky and seen me.

People see elephants and kittens and an old man.   No-one says, "Oh wow, doesn't that look like Bliss?  That beautiful cloud over there, the one that looks all amazing fashionista and stuff?"  Well at least if they have, no-one has told me they have.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Snapping Out Of It.

on the porch 3

I think I am basically out of control.

Can't concentrate, start a million things, finish none, can't focus ...

My inventory is all over the place, I am wayyy behind in all my blogging, I am behind in emails.

I am not eating, not really interested in doing anything.   I have made a tent fort in my office and I am kind of living in it.   I stay in my jammies some days . . . all day . . . 

But then it hit me.  Such an easy peasy solution! 

on the porch 2

I figure the best thing for me ... is to buy one of those collars.  You know the ones where you put them on and suddenly you just do whatever you are told to do?  I mean I could skip the whole headache I get when I wake up and try to remember the things I am supposed to do next.  I mean I could multi purpose use the collar right?  I don't HAVE to be naked and kneeling everywhere, I could use it to be the boss of Bliss and tell her to get busy right?   I could get her to just calm the heck down, brush her teeth and start shopping again.   

My real life hubby thought it was a great idea and suggested that he would be willing to help me catch the hang of how those things work by trying a real life one.  I pointed out there are no real life collars you put on where you can force a person to kneel naked, or to do weird positions, or fetch your beer,  but he said you could improvise with a nice choker and a cattle prod.

The gleam in his eye scared me a little . . . at first ... and then I kind of got excited.

And then, I completely forgot about Bliss and my inventory and all that stuff.

I am even further behind than I was before.

Who has time to even log on to the computer?

on the porch 1

Kneeling is a lot more fun then it may appear on your computer screen  through old Sunday School type glasses.

And I have calluses on my knees.

BODY:  DeeTaleZ Skin A.T.W. Kimber [Makeup] Mixedtype
HAIR:  Bens Hair  Style - Cyrista Hair
EYES:  Egozy..Eyes Illuminate Brown
LASHES:  Angel Rock Philisia
DRESS:  =Zenith=Bohemian tie a knot long skirt (Blue)
SWEATER:  DeeTaleZ Tops MESH cardigan snow
SHOES:  NX-Nardcotix MANA Vixie Nutmeg

Monday, September 28, 2015

Some Women Wear Dresses On The Football Field of Life.


We had a set of twins in our school who were a cross between dolls, nerds and little orphan Annie.  They were like a couple of older English ladies, sitting in front of the telly rugged up in sweaters and colourful stockings with their permed, just shy of frizzy, hair.

And they finished each other's sentences.

I liked them because they were oblivious to how weird everyone else thought they were.  And they were weird - when you consider all that means is that in comparison to the norm ... they were not that.

I sometimes opened a window on the school bus and stuck my head out, gasping for fresh air ... something ... anything . . .  different from the norm.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Don't Try This At Home.


Don't try to run away with a baby animal.

It may look cute in real life and everyone is going "aww" around the computer, but it sucks big time.

First of all they have no sense of the "are we there yet" part of travel, that helps to remind everyone that people need to stop and go to the bathroom.  Animals don't stop when they bathroom.  They can't tell you.  They don't hold on for 5 more minutes.  They just go. 

They don't understand "share" or   "make last."  They just understand "eat now," "eat it all," and "I am a fawn, I can kick you to death and hoof that donut right out of your mouth."

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Strangers and Other Diseases


My mother in law was really upset the other day. I overheard her talking to hubby. She was really upset about a certain woman that kept coming up to her in public places as if she knew her.  It had happened again that day.   Hubby was struggling understand why she was so upset.

" Don't you find it, I don't know,  unsettling maybe,  when someone comes up to you and talks and you have no idea who they are, but they act like they know you?  I don't want to be rude but it has happened so many times and I keep telling her that she has mistaken me for someone else, clearly."

Sunday, September 20, 2015

In The Attic of my Life.

in the attic 1

Nostalgia and heirlooms and antiques are not always what they seems.  Sometimes it is contrived.

A kid who falls in love with a vintage box and keeps their treasures in it can be considered an authentic case.  A kid forced to keep his grandmother's skull on his book case - probably contrived.  Lots of families force their emotional crap on one another.  Road Shows - those British Auction type things that are on television - where they tell people their ugly painting that Uncle Bernard gave them is now worth 500 pounds - promote the scam.   They always give the impression that anything ugly, so ugly that you hide it in the crawl space, if left long enough, becomes worth a whole bunch of money.  And then they pretend, despite not having a single tooth left in their mouth, the person bringing it will never sell because what is food broken down into swallowable bits so your body can process it and sustain your life, really mean anyway?  You have an ugly picture of an eggplant on a dish.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

She Just Looks Like A Plain Hulga

turblue 2

My brother insisted we play games of epic proportion.  He studied armies and battles like most other kids looked at comic books and sports.  He had distinct guideline blood oaths for game playing.  

Like the time we got caught in the creek, a couple of farms away, with the last of the jarred peaches, a bag of candy that was hidden behind the molasses and pearl barley in the tall cupboard over the fridge, a bunch of loose change that was kept in an old tin in the bottom drawer of Grandpa's desk, and a can of black olives.

I was wearing an old tin bucket with a piece of metal stabbed through it.  The Biffster was wearing a fur dress which he insisted was a cloak but looked more like a skirt around his neck.  He also had an an axe, a shield, and a sword that probably could kill ... with little effort ... like if you breathed heavily anywhere near it.  Realism was everything to him.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Run Rabbit, Run.

beyond the night 1

My brother decided that we should make our own fur coats one winter.  It was a combination of cabin fever  and insanity.  It had the makings of a really good horror thriller.  

It has been a long cold winter and my grandparents would have agreed to anything if it meant that we stopped saying "I'm bored" in the  great,  "does repeating "I'm bored,"  endlessly, produce exactly  the same results as dripping water in the Chinese Water Torture Experiment?"

That was what we were playing before my brother came up with the self made fur coat idea.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Social Motions

drive by 1

Don't you think that "huggers" should adhere to some kind of hugger etiquette or that they should, at least, be policed in some form?

I find it awkward to stand around in a large group when a new person is introduced who happens to be a "hugger."  You know exactly what I am talking about.  They show up, know no-one and presume it is alright to greet everyone with a hug.  First of all how do they know there aren't committed huggers in the group who don't adhere to open hugging?  How do they know anyone is open to hugging and that they are not some tour group out for the day from the institution where they are all being treated for a high startle response to human contact?  I mean someone could end up dead here.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015



I knew a woman who called her kids Heather, Laurel, and Flora. Like somehow they had no choice but to be flowers, fresh picked blah blah and so they grew up to be technically perfect and boy were they good at being arranged. I think the woman shopped for vases before the birth of each child. Yes, she was a forward thinker.  

She may also have been kidnapped as a child and brainwashed with the  Disney School of Brainwashing responsible for all the Mousketeers who are now fronting the Illuminate or the Girl Guides.  I get those two confused all the time.  I think those were the name of the fairies in one of those Disney programs ... or the three little pigs or something.  I sucked at history.

The only problem was that the girls grew up to have personalities more like fungi, moss, and bark.

Monday, September 7, 2015

My Rabbit Hole Was Deep and Scary.

who i am 1

For some reason my hubby delights in shopping for cough medicine for me.  He insists I stay in bed and he will pick me up "some. "  I am pretty sure he skips up and down the aisles checking for the most foul tasting stuff he can find. 

He roars back into the garage, some time later and skips into the kitchen telling me he got me some really good "stuff" this time.  He can't wait for me to try some to help me "stop coughing" and shows up at my bedside with a  gravy ladle and a tumbler of water to wash it down with.  I will admit he looks pretty good in his nurses uniform  but his hair could be a bit more flattering ... as in ... if he had any ...

It takes us awhile to argue about what two spoonfuls is and to convince him no-one ever confused a tablespoon or a teaspoon with a gravy ladle.  He can't get away with murder if his defense is that while the manufacturer did not actually  say "gravy ladle," he is pretty sure he meant to.  He always seems so disappointed to have to put the gravy ladle back and complains the whole time about what the point is in having sterling silver anything if you never ever use it.

Monday, August 31, 2015

The Good Old Days When Chimps Were Cute.


I have been a bit under the weather, sick in bed, crying, wanting my mommy  . . . and icecream.

I got lots of time alone and a stuffed monkey.

Oh . . . . and lots of yucky medicine.   We can do all kinds of anything but putting cough medicine into some form that does not taste like paint thinner ... peach paint thinner that burns your throat, your chest, your nostrils  and holes in your pillow case ... completely out of our reach.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Balancing the Scales of Life.

with all your heart 1

I showed up at the local swap meet with my hubby and kids and asked where I could set up my booth.

I had good spot, it would get lots of traffic and with the right visual aids, I was thinking, we could really cash in and make some of our long overdue dreams come true.  I think it is so important for families to have projects that they work on together.

Hubby helped me get everything set up and when we were done we had the kids line up, each with their own unique sign.  We urged them to do their best. They were really going to have to sell sell sell. We told them we loved them and knew they could do it.  I gave them some stickers with catchy phrases and the website addy for motivational and inspirational posters.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

A Disciplined Life.


I was talking to my children one day about punishment and they asked me how come only children have the naughty chair and are made to sit over in a corner.  They pointed out that grandma misbehaves sometimes.  I told them that it was because you have to sit one minute for every year of their age so a 4 year old sits 4  minutes - a 7 year old 7 minutes.  I suggested that if they made grandma sit in the corner for her age she could be gone for days and then I said that some older people probably died while they were sitting on the naughty chair and went undiscovered for days.   THIS was why children should learn their lessons while they were young.

I caught them the next day examining some stains on their "naughty chair" on account of it was a hand me down.   They wanted to know what kind of stains dead people make.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Mighty Jump Suit

Ok jump suits, great idea!  You put them on, they look great.  No need to worry about anything needed to be tucked or retucked.  Long clean lines.  Boyfriend is like "wow."

One small problem.

Doing anything other than standing there looking fantastic.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A Perfect Field Flower.


One of the big adjustments to coming to Australia has been to understand the whole racing/gambling culture.   In addition to it being a big part of their life, the costuming that goes along with the activities is highly entertaining.  Perhaps the only day people dress up fancier than for their own wedding, is race day.

I love all the permeations of "fashion" that show up.  Unlike some women who feel the need to hand out permission slips for what others are allowed to wear, I love seeing women wear whatever they choose, regardless of what society deems appropriate for their body type - especially younger women.  If you are not allowed to celebrate your sense of self as a teenager - when exactly does that kick in?  I don't care if they are too heavy, too thin, not enough breast, not enough class, etc etc to wear THAT dress.  I say go for it.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

It's That Time of The Year Again.


School shopping with your grandparents is probably every kid's nightmare. It is bad enough just being a farm kid. Parents are thinking, how can we provide serviceable farm clothes, good for the combine image in the fall? They consider things like,” how can we get more flannel items?”  They do this because once they are worn out, they make great rags. These are not good considerations for the conscious savvy teen wanting to look cool. Hence most of the guys wore lee jeans, a belt, runners, and a tee shirt. On spiffy days their shirt had buttons. Whoot, talk about having to hose down the girls.

If your local, near-by town(80 kms away)had more than 8 people in it then you probably had a hardware store. Wow,  amidst the mice traps, rose dust, hammers and chipped blue daisy tea set, they brought in “clothes’” Fashion stores have a buyer for their fall collections.  Hardware stores pay the guys who pick up the bottles in the ditches, to pick up the clothes they find, wash them up, press them, pin on a handwritten $9.99 sign and voila … instant fashion for the farm.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Hot Pants Are A Gateway Drug for All Things Sin.


I think hot pants were the final straw that broke my grandparents back in the seventies.  We were pretty much heading toward complete nudity - we had burned our bras, people were going commando, we did not want to wash or comb our hair, our skirts kept getting shorter and shorter and the bathing suits were pretty much three threads on a string.  You could put a hat on and white gloves for church, but let's face it, we were all lost causes of the hippie culture.

And please note - despite some similarities between our dress and the patterns and styles used by the Hutterites ....we were trying for Hippie.  Don't be trashing farm folk.

I tried to dress fashionably but it is hard to carry off hot pants, which almost always included tall high heeled boots, around the barn yard.  

I remember the "talk" my grandmother decided to have with me.