Monday, August 31, 2015

The Good Old Days When Chimps Were Cute.


I have been a bit under the weather, sick in bed, crying, wanting my mommy  . . . and icecream.

I got lots of time alone and a stuffed monkey.

Oh . . . . and lots of yucky medicine.   We can do all kinds of anything but putting cough medicine into some form that does not taste like paint thinner ... peach paint thinner that burns your throat, your chest, your nostrils  and holes in your pillow case ... completely out of our reach.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Balancing the Scales of Life.

with all your heart 1

I showed up at the local swap meet with my hubby and kids and asked where I could set up my booth.

I had good spot, it would get lots of traffic and with the right visual aids, I was thinking, we could really cash in and make some of our long overdue dreams come true.  I think it is so important for families to have projects that they work on together.

Hubby helped me get everything set up and when we were done we had the kids line up, each with their own unique sign.  We urged them to do their best. They were really going to have to sell sell sell. We told them we loved them and knew they could do it.  I gave them some stickers with catchy phrases and the website addy for motivational and inspirational posters.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

A Disciplined Life.


I was talking to my children one day about punishment and they asked me how come only children have the naughty chair and are made to sit over in a corner.  They pointed out that grandma misbehaves sometimes.  I told them that it was because you have to sit one minute for every year of their age so a 4 year old sits 4  minutes - a 7 year old 7 minutes.  I suggested that if they made grandma sit in the corner for her age she could be gone for days and then I said that some older people probably died while they were sitting on the naughty chair and went undiscovered for days.   THIS was why children should learn their lessons while they were young.

I caught them the next day examining some stains on their "naughty chair" on account of it was a hand me down.   They wanted to know what kind of stains dead people make.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Mighty Jump Suit

Ok jump suits, great idea!  You put them on, they look great.  No need to worry about anything needed to be tucked or retucked.  Long clean lines.  Boyfriend is like "wow."

One small problem.

Doing anything other than standing there looking fantastic.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A Perfect Field Flower.


One of the big adjustments to coming to Australia has been to understand the whole racing/gambling culture.   In addition to it being a big part of their life, the costuming that goes along with the activities is highly entertaining.  Perhaps the only day people dress up fancier than for their own wedding, is race day.

I love all the permeations of "fashion" that show up.  Unlike some women who feel the need to hand out permission slips for what others are allowed to wear, I love seeing women wear whatever they choose, regardless of what society deems appropriate for their body type - especially younger women.  If you are not allowed to celebrate your sense of self as a teenager - when exactly does that kick in?  I don't care if they are too heavy, too thin, not enough breast, not enough class, etc etc to wear THAT dress.  I say go for it.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

It's That Time of The Year Again.


School shopping with your grandparents is probably every kid's nightmare. It is bad enough just being a farm kid. Parents are thinking, how can we provide serviceable farm clothes, good for the combine image in the fall? They consider things like,” how can we get more flannel items?”  They do this because once they are worn out, they make great rags. These are not good considerations for the conscious savvy teen wanting to look cool. Hence most of the guys wore lee jeans, a belt, runners, and a tee shirt. On spiffy days their shirt had buttons. Whoot, talk about having to hose down the girls.

If your local, near-by town(80 kms away)had more than 8 people in it then you probably had a hardware store. Wow,  amidst the mice traps, rose dust, hammers and chipped blue daisy tea set, they brought in “clothes’” Fashion stores have a buyer for their fall collections.  Hardware stores pay the guys who pick up the bottles in the ditches, to pick up the clothes they find, wash them up, press them, pin on a handwritten $9.99 sign and voila … instant fashion for the farm.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Hot Pants Are A Gateway Drug for All Things Sin.


I think hot pants were the final straw that broke my grandparents back in the seventies.  We were pretty much heading toward complete nudity - we had burned our bras, people were going commando, we did not want to wash or comb our hair, our skirts kept getting shorter and shorter and the bathing suits were pretty much three threads on a string.  You could put a hat on and white gloves for church, but let's face it, we were all lost causes of the hippie culture.

And please note - despite some similarities between our dress and the patterns and styles used by the Hutterites ....we were trying for Hippie.  Don't be trashing farm folk.

I tried to dress fashionably but it is hard to carry off hot pants, which almost always included tall high heeled boots, around the barn yard.  

I remember the "talk" my grandmother decided to have with me.

Friday, August 14, 2015

The Grid Monitor Reports - Second Life Infractions Worthy of Getting Upset About - The Unsafe House.

Have you ever laid awake at night worrying about whether Second Life is Safe for all of us?  Worrying about whether everyone knows if what they are doing is good enough for you?  Worrying about what you think?  I do.  I worry that you are worried about what I am worried about.  So I decided to do the humane thing and put you all out of your worry. 

You can send me gifts to thank me.  It is entirely appropriate.  Entirely.

Here is a random house I scoped out.  I don't know who it belongs to and no idea who the designer is.  I realize that there will be those among you who will immediately figure all that out and because you are deeply concerned about these people you probably have never spoken to, but I am sure are worth sucking up to, you will run and tell them.  You should know I have protective gear on and am completely vaselined.   I am ready for the tar and feathering for those who cannot control that primal instinct within them.  I would tell you I mean no offense and that it is purely for my amusement and if any of you take this seriously you need to get on the bus parked on the corner that is taking everyone who needs one, to Walmart later for the big "sense of humour" sale this weekend.  The target of my criticism is nowhere near as important as the sentiments I am trying to stir.  Think of me like a fluffer.  I will get you all riled up and then you can unleash yourself on the personal people you were going to unleash on anyway.  You name names and go for the specific jugular and I will do the nondiscriminatory fluffing.

LOOK AT THIS KITCHEN!!  Are you kidding me?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Near Misses, Not Everyone Made It Out Alive.


I had a crush on this guy once who used to say, “she’s all that and a bag of chips.” I never really understood what that meant. I was so desperately trying to get his attention, I rented a hamburger suit and waited for him on the side of his street hoping when he went by he would see me and realize I too was “all that.” I saw his care coming, he came by … and went on … and once I got the mud outta my eyes and made it back to the costume store, I had to buy the suit outright.  It cost me a fortune.  I was walking home in the suit, crying, it was kind of sad.  I  will never forget what he said to me as he drove out of sight that night.  He saud, “HEY HAMBURGER GIRL!! GET THE F**K OUTTA THE WAY!!!”

I don’t think he meant to be unkind, the car did swerve away from hitting me at the last moment.  That is something, right?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I Think I Had A Paranormal Experience Today

tiptoe through the canaries

I had my annual eye check up.  They told me to take a seat around the corner but when I tried to take it out of the store they got all bent out of shape.   Evidently they wanted me to go and sit down around the corner; I have no idea why they did not just say that.

I never do what I am told.  Sorry, once you make a habit of something, it is hard to break even if you want to.  I don't want to, so talking to me is useless.  My grandparents finally gave up and moved while I was away one weekend.  It worked out well.  They stopped trying to tell me what to do and I was no longer annoyed.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

If You Chance to See a Frown


"If You Chance to See a Frown, do not let it stay
Quickly turn it upside down and smile that frown away."

My grandmother was always singing me little songs with messages and hidden meanings.   I think she attended a parenting school where she majored in, "Sing it to them and they will have the lesson for life."

I am reporting back after my experience with the brainwashing that failed.

I did not learn the lesson.  I learned that I hated rhymey, singsongy, myopic tunes with words attached that a grownup lacked the ability to speak, plainly and simply.   In this case, "stop frowning," would have covered it all, kept people's sanity, and may have put off therapy and the final outcome where I hated my parents.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Chick Chick Chick.


Never fully understood why the term "don't be chicken" was used to suggest that someone was afraid to do something.   I doubt a farmer ever came up with it.  In fact, most of the sayings about farm animals show ignorance about the animals they are referring to. 

Sheep really are not "fluffy."  Think really curly hair, never combed, wandering through the fields and the dirt for months and then having to shave it all off.  Pigs are not "big fat pigs" that we imply when we label someone overweight who just sits around and eats.  Pigs are vicious.  There is a reason serial killers dispose of bodies in the pig pen . . . nothing left of a body once a pig gets to it.  No way  to prove they were ever there.  And if you think pigs will eat anything, ever been around goats?  And all that dancing and playing with goats is cute until they decide that they need to move you out of the way.  A goat head, racing towards you at 50 km an hour, that connects with your hip .... painful.  

Monday, August 3, 2015

Leather Speaks If You Are Really Quiet and The Wind Is Blowing.


Leather - how smexy is it? 

I wore it mainly to say, "in your face, bovine people, I am skipping the milk and running off to the city trading in the denim and the wheat in my teeth, for a life."  That's what the city is all about right?   And you get there with leather .. tight leather ... smexy leather.

Of course, it was not that simple.  There were tiny details, like sending myself to school, scolding me when I did not get an A (ok I lied that never happened but only because I was really hard on myself) and making sure I got enough sleep and ate well.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Those Little Keepsake Moments.


Hubby informed me he had to go to the gym the other  morning because "he couldn't stand around doing nothing."

Oh no problem, you go.  I mean I actually thought we were talking but I guess if you consider that nothing."

"You know what I mean, I can't just stand still in one place or my back starts hurting."

Friday, July 31, 2015

Some People Are Never Satisfied, Not to Mention Any Names Mom.


No kid likes wearing a coat,  especially on the prairies.  As soon as you can walk, you learn to never allow your parents to coat shop for a coat unsupervised.  It is a survival tactic all children know.

Left to their own devices, parents would get some huge puffy, durable thick brown or dark green, heavy coat that zips up from your calves to just below your eyes.  These things always have a zipped in extra lining that your parents fix so it can never be zipped out.  They are terrified of the potential of kids sipping and unzipping willy nilly throughout the long winter months.  They do this because they envision you, an extra pair of hands to work the land,  lost in the fields somewhere, wandering, blinded by the snow, freezing to death,  ... found at spring thaw, huddled in a frozen mass just a few feet from where the search cows gave up the hunt last winter.  It takes about 5 years to make a replacement for you that is of any use to the farm. Money can drive even the kindest people to desperate acts.  Most of those farmers may look docile but they are desperate underneath those coveralls.

Monday, July 27, 2015

The Lesson of the Blue Jeans, a Fashionary Tale.


I had a gift for driving my grandparents to tears, especially when it came to clothes.

Buying a new pair of jeans took a lot of work.  You couldn't just buy them, wear them, and off you go.  First you had to make sure you got the right kind; Lees or Levis were the only permissible options.  Then you had to bleach them or make the jeans look old as hell.   That involved bleaching or making them filthy and grinding in the dirt, and washing them repeatedly. 

Anyone caught wearing deep blue, brand new, blue jeans were completely crossed off the guest list for the cool kids table at lunch.  Of course we had rebels, boys mainly, whose moms shopped for them at the local hardware store and bought them flannel and denim without any consideration for their child's social health.  I look back at some of those pics and shake my head.  Imagine walking out the door in the morning and looking over and seeing Dad, Grandpa, the drunk from down the road, and 50 other men in your farming community with the exact same outfit on?  Try that and then go to school and see if you can lean back against the lockers and wheel in the girls ... no way.   

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Life is One Big Costume Party, or it Should Be.


I still think life would be much simpler if people wore costumes.  We don't always have time, or the inclination, as to inquire of people how their day is going and thus tailor our interaction so as to keep everyone alive.

If those women intending to play the role of the evil stepmother queen/witch etc were to dress the part, it would save so much heartache.  I would know to step away from the mirror the moment they enter the women's washroom .. . using the hand sanitizer in my purse as opposed to sticking around to wash my hands. And, I would say something like, "have you done something new with your hair?  You look so much younger today ... really nice!!"  That way the likelihood of getting stabbed or spit on are minimized.

Especially when neither blood or spittle go with your current costume.  And I don't have any that do.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Prophesying For The Nation. When Dreams Come True.


You may want to write this down somewhere because I had a dream and I am not 100% sure but it could be prophetic.

Whenever I see glitter or sparkles or people with white flowing anything ... I try to pay attention.  You would think that teachers in school would catch on to this and jazz up their wardrobe and their classrooms a little.  Can you  imagine the impact of teaching math if the teacher walked through the mist produced from a smoke machine and stood at his desk with a wand that shot out sparkles to direct our attention to the formulas on the boards?

I might not have climbed out the window every time he turned his back.

Just saying.

My life could have been completely different.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I Blame Rag Dolls and my Grandmother.


I blame my extra weight on my grandmother telling me to pretend to be a rag doll and feel heavy in order to go to sleep.  Talk about brainwashing.  "Feel" heavy is just one step away from "be" heavy.

I bet no ballerina's mom ever said that to their kid and I really really wanted to be a ballerina.  Ok that is not true, I wanted to wear the shoes and the tu-tu's.  I was not in touch with the reality of hours of hard work bending your body in ways it is not meant to bend and breaking your toes in bloody pulps that for some reason we call it "art" and because there is movement "dancing" as opposed to the Chinese practice of binding feet and shuffling which we call "barbaric."

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Sign Posts of Life.

momb 2a

I like to carry warning signs around with me ... Like "out of order" for those people who just get on your nerves because they are wrong and they keep on talking long after you have pronounced them "idiots."   I mean there is absolutely no need for further evidence once the verdict is handed down, even if it supports my original sentence.  I consider it doing the rest of the world a favour.  No one likes putting money into a machine and not getting what they wanted, and then some smart ass admits it has not been working for the entire work.

Think teenagers ... they could wear the sign for most of 7 years and that sign could be sooo helpful.